Journaling for My Birthday

With all of the changes I’ve experienced over the past year, I now value reflecting on the changes and the growth that I’ve experienced. It helps find meaning in the tough times and the days I did not believe that I would be able to feel anything outside of the grief I felt since losing my mother.

Today, I turn 34 years old. Which is entirely weird for me to say. It is also the first birthday since my mother passed away unexpectedly last year.

— Deep Breath —

I do credit my short stint working with a counselor to navigate through this grief journey for helping me be kinder and more reflective during my time.

Everyone has a story worth sharing — this rings through my head more often then not. Hence the next few sections where I have found a few journal prompts that I would like to reflect on.

I stumbled on a blog from Bring Ambition that I connected to the most for today.

1. How are you celebrating (your birthday / New Years / another holiday) this year?

Today I spent time outdoors at a state park close by as I write these responses. Being outdoors, hiking, kayaking, etc — all feed my soul and align with my value for Adventures. Once I work through the self reflection activity, then I’ll take advantage of the open trails along the river.

This evening I will spend it with my partner and family that is here visiting. Then I get the opportunity to continue to work on organizing my office and clothes. It’s funny to reflect on those tasks because I have really grown to enjoy the process of organization. Quiet time with family and my pets mean the world to me as well.

2. When you think about the last 12 months, what immediately comes to mind?

The passing of my mother. The growth I’ve experienced after recognizing the compounding grief I’ve collected over the past several years and working through it all. The clarity I have gained from the self awareness. Learning how to find meaning in loss and the hard times. Learning how to fill a house and make it a home. COVID.

3. What are you grateful for?

I’m grateful for the love of my parents that they had for me over my life.

I’m grateful for family and friends that support me through the loss of my mom.

I’m grateful for the home that my partner and I have made with each other.

I’m grateful for therapy and the lessons that I am learning there.

I’m grateful for having a good group of coworkers that I work with.

I’m grateful for being able to refill my cup outdoors.

I’m grateful for estate sales (inside joke).

4. What surprising change(s) took place in the last year?

#1 — Losing my mom. That rocked my world but it also spurred real actionable change within me.

Yes, she was sick and weak and was battling a lot of different health issues. It does not make it any less of a shock/surprise.

The growth I’ve experienced and the bravery to start therapy. There is still such a huge stigma around therapy and especially grief, but I view it as helping to create your own super power.

5. What goals have you achieved in the last 12 months? Have you made progress on your Bucket List?

I have not been actively tracking towards goals. I did get a new job title at work that I worked hard for. I also have been exploring alternative careers outside of the current role I have. I’m grateful I have a job and that it allows me to grow and search for what I truly want to spend my life doing.

As for my bucket list, I have not achieved much. I have developed a renewed excitement for bucket lists though!

6. What goals were you unsuccessful in reaching this year?

I did not follow through with losing weight. It came down to not staying consistent working out and running. It seems like health was the biggest factor.

7. Where have you stepped out of your comfort zone in the last year?

Biggest thing was starting grief counseling. The stigma and shame I had in my head about therapy held me back from getting the help I needed.

8. What was challenging about the last year?

The same theme still applies here, the challenge of losing my mom and the grief I experienced. Through therapy it helped me survive and learn to grow through these challenges. This made me stronger because I now recognize that I do have more than half the strength that my mom had. I always said if I had half the strength my mom had in her life, then I would be golden. Going through all of the grief and pain, I’ve realized that I do have that strength. I am my mother’s daughter and her strength has been instilled in me.

9. What was fun about the last year?

Decorating our home was highly stressful with a lot of learning, but there were elements of fun mixed in. I was able to see different areas around the city, learn new neighborhoods, and see how different people on the spectrum of wealth lived. I also met some great people along the way.

10. What difficult problem or challenging situation is top of mind?

Learning more about myself and navigating grief. Learning who and what the best version of myself I want to be and what are my values. All of this inspired from therapy for the loss of my mom.

11. If you could speak to yourself 10 years ago, what would Younger You think about the problem above?

You are tougher than you believe. I think my past self would be proud at the steps I’ve taken to take care of myself and am doing the “deep work”. My past self would be disappointed about where I am at today and that I feel so broken and disappointed with my career. Although past me would be proud that I am taking steps to change that and get to where I have always felt I should be.

12. If you could speak to yourself 10 years from now, what would Older You say about the situation or problem?

Future self would 100% percent consider this to be significant. This was a huge turning or defining moment in my life. Older me would say thank you for taking the “risk” to do therapy and do the deep work. Keep going and keep digging.

13. What do you want your life to look like this time next year?

More aligned with my values and in tune with myself. Be consistent with working out/running/being active. Traveling, engaging in things in tune with my values. Strong relationship with my partner and enjoying our wonderful house. Stability. Confidence. Engaging.